I always wanted a baby. Even when I was a kid I always thought of myself as being a Mom. I inherited my mother's instinctual ability to care for others. She was always so good at it.. whether it be caring for us kids or caring for our pets (who always took to her over anybody) she is and was the definition of a Mom. I find myself to be a lot like her in those ways... So when I found out I was pregnant in November of 2008 I was happy. Me and Vic had only been together for about 2 months prior to finding out I was pregnant. Because of a problem with intracranial hypertension, I am not allowed to be on birth control. A part of me knew I would end up pregnant.. but who would have thought that quickly? He was very sweet.. sweeter than I thought he would be. I told him and an hour or so later he was at my house with a rose.
After a month or so of pretty heavy bleeding on and off it was finally discovered that the baby did not have a heartbeat. I have a blood clot in my uterus and that was likely the cause of the problems. I did not get overly excited about this pregnancy because of all the issues. I knew it was likely I would miscarry. I was very sad but I had sort of prepapred myself for the worst. I had a d&c and we went on with our lives.
In April of 2009 I found out I was pregnant again. I was very nervous but after getting through the initial few weeks I began to calm down some. I bought an at home doppler so that I could hear my babys heartbeat anytime I wanted. It made me feel great to hear it and it relieved some worries. At exactly 16 weeks pregnant I began to feel little flutters. I was so excited. I knew this was the baby moving. I am fairly small so I figured I would be able to feel it early. I look back at that now.. at how good it felt.. I didn't realize that in a couple of days my world would be shattered.
At 16 weeks and 3 days I woke up feeling some pain on my left side. It was this strange pulling pain and I am still not quite sure that it has anything to do with what happened. Later that day I went home and tried to relax. In the evening I began to feel a lot of pressure down in my lower belly. I knew it felt strange but I didnt want to go to the ER for nothing. I figured I would call my doc in the morning. I went to sleep and kept waking up feeling as though I had 10 pounds of wait resting on my belly. I kept going pee thinking maybe I just had to go. One of the times I went I got up and felt trickling down my leg and saw a little puddle on the floor. I thought I wet myself. I went back to bed and a little while later was awakened again. I went to the bathroom and saw blood. That was it. I woke Vic up and we went to the ER. The doctors checked me out and took a sample of some vaginal fluids. They kept coming back still unsure if I was leaking fluids or not. They said it looked like I might be, but they werent sure. I layed there waiting for hours for somebody to conclude something. We had to wait until the radiology department opened to get an ultrasound to measure fluid. Seemed like forever.
As we were waiting I felt this sudden jab of pressure that felt as though something was coming out of me. I panicked. I started breathing heavy, rapidly, and I started to sweat. Vic got the nurse but all she really did was get me a little water. Finally, we were sent up to radiology. This was the first time Vic got to see the baby. It was so cool. We could see her head, brain, heart, feet, arms.. It was amazing. We watched in amazement as the tech showed us everything.. never letting on that I had NO fluid left and that the babies foot was jammed in my cervix.
We were sent back down with pictures of our baby. I wasn't sure what to think at that point. Then a doctor came in and said "So I guess the tech told you that your water broke..". I looked at her in horrible disbeleif and just started wailing, crying, screaming. She said "I'm sorry". Vic jumped to my side and held me. I asked questions.. "What can cause this?" "What can be done?". The answers didn't really matter at that point because I knew what would happen. The baby had to come out and she wouldnt survive. My doctor came and talked to me. He said I had two choices.. I could be induced into labor.. or I could have a d&e. I chose the d&e.. I just wanted this to be done with. I didn't want to feel it as my baby came out of me.. lifeless.
I was given pain meds for a headache. By this time it was after 8 am and I was so tired, I drifted in and out. Each time I woke up I didnt want to remember where I was, but I did. I was then sent up to the PACU and then into surgery. When I came out I was shaking terribly and threw up, probably from the anesthesia. I was taken home from there to let the healing begin...
I told this story excluded everyone else. I did this purposely because the people who were there for me deserve a story of their own. It's amazing how your perceptions can change both good and bad after a tragedy. I will never look at Vic the same way. Not in a bad way.. in a very good way. He stood by my side the entire time. He held my hand, he cried with me, he told me that he would never leave my side. As I apologized over and over again.. he made sure I knew that it wasnt my fault.. that he loved me. He told me everything would be OK and he was right. He was right because he helped me heal.
My mom and Dad were there too. My mom cried. I kept saying I was sorry but I know that she wasn't crying because she was dissapointed in me. She was crying because I was crying. Because I was hurt. My mother doesnt cry often. This shocked me. I guess the sight of your child pain will always hurt you deep inside. I know that my dad was equally as hurt as my mom though he didnt cry. He watched Vic, and his tears and the next time Vic referred to him as "Mr. Smith", my dad said.. "Call me Dan". Vic earned the most respect you can get from my dad. He showed him that he will take care of me, that he loves me and that he will be a good dad. He showed my dad that he would take care of his daughter and take care of his gradnchildren. Even in the midst of despair.. that made me happy.
Vic took me home. I was then staying in the apartment that he had before we met. We walked into the foire and I threw up.. twice.. right in front of an old woman. Embarassing but I was so hopped on drugs that I didnt know what was going on. Finally we made it to the apartment. The first thing we did was go to sleep. We had been up for a very long time. I woke up about 3 hours later and went into the living room. I found the box that had been sent home with me. I didnt know what it was but then I opened it and what I found made my heart ache badly.
I found her footprints. Tiny.. as small as a penny. But they were perfect. I also found a little blanket, a card, and a poem that made me start to bawl. I went back into bed and Vic heard me crying and stayed up with me, held me, made sure I wasnt alone. For the next few days I did nothing. I cried a lot. Just sitting on the couch I would start to cry. Vic was always there with me. And I couldnt even leave his side. I loved him more than anything..and I didnt want to be without him for a minute. Eventually I got a little better. Vic took me to NYC and we had fun. I had to go back to work and life became normal again.
I am now pregnant again. I am 23 weeks with a lil boy. I never got a reason for what happened.. but during this pregnancy it was discovered that I have an Incompetent Cervix.. my cervix shortens and dilated too soon. I had a cerclage (cervical stitch) placed and it was been helping. I've made it 5 weeks with really no complications. It's a struggle.. everyday is a blessing to me. Everyday I go by with no issues. I pray all the time that I will be able to hold my little one.
I never really shared the whole story of my miscarriage. It effected me in more ways than one and I will never forget it. I will never forget her. She's my angel and I am sure she watches over me now. I will continue to post about my journey towards what I want most.. my little Daniel Victor Thorne. My little miracle
